Therapy Day

I just got back from seeing my therapist. I told her about doing this and she said it probably is a good idea. Basically Journal writing, but one that others can read. Why I want others to read it is beyond me, but since it's totally anonymous, I think I like that idea.

I'm seeing a therapist for severe depression. Last January I became so depressed that I was even thinking suicide. Luckily, mainly because I've been in therapy before, I had enough sense to get myself to a doctor in March and she prescribed antidepressants and got me to see a therapist. I've been seeing my therapist since about April. I don't trust very easily and until recently we didn't get into any "hard" parts. Now, I'm starting to open up and it's going to be getting a bit more difficult.

I have "blank" spots in my memory (which is one of the reasons I got so depressed). I have very little memories of the ages between 5-10. The reason for this (wow, I can be so clinical) - is because I suffered sexual abuse from a babysitter (he was a man in his 60's, I hope he is burning in hell right now!) and severe physical and psychological abuse from my stepmother. Due to this - I guess what I did was block out. I really and truly do NOT remember hardly anything from those years. I have a few memories (some good, some bad), but that's it.
We did a time-line today and it was so weird. I have very clear memories of when I was 3ish to 5ish, I even remember in detail the house we lived in. It's after 5 though the memories get really hazy (it's also when the sexual and physical abuse started). It was interesting to note that also, I have some pretty clear memories of when I visited "mom" - (the woman I call mom is not my mother or my stepmother, she was my dad's 2nd wife, but I spent a number of weekends with her). The therapist believes it was because I felt safe with her (which is quite true). One of the things I brought up was how I can remember riding the bus to where she lived (she lived like 4 hrs from my home) and I can remember the town, her apartment and some really fun and fond memories. But I have NO memory of ever riding the bus back home!!

I do want to remember these "blank" years, but at the same time I worry. I remember some of the abuse, but not a great deal. I have to ask myself do I really want to remember? The problem is, I also know deep down that a lot of the problems I'm having today are because of this. Heck, I'm not sure what to think.

I also do want to mention, because I want to keep my identity secret, I am going to change names. I'm not going to give out real names of my husband, children, etc. I think anyone could understand that.

Ok, the dog wants out and I need to fold some clothes. On Monday and Tuesday's all the kids go to school (the two oldest in regular school, the two younger in kindy). I want to get a few things done before I have to pick up the two younger one's from kindy. I may give a better bio of myself later.
Ta for now

The first

I have no idea what I'm doing here really. I've been reading a lot of interesting blogs and for some reason decided to start my own. I think the thing I like the most is that I can write personal messages, I can get feedback (that is of course if anyone reads this) and maybe I can deal with life's little stresses. I have no idea how often I'll post, as a mother of 4 children (3 who are 5 and under), my time is pretty limited. I'm mainly doing this for myself to be honest. I just want a place to give out steam I guess :-) Something like an online diary, one that can be read by lots though! :-) Ta for now..