It's raining but....

Though it's raining it's been a good day so far. I feel better and so do Alex and Linda. We took the two older kids to school (first time since Monday) and then went to the veg store, the book store and then to the grocery. Dear hubby's Father's Day gift came in (it's Sunday) and I got a phone call that my new mobile phone should be in on Tuesday!! So, even though the rain sucks, it's working out to be a good day. Now of course I shouldn't say that as it's only 10 AM and who knows what could happen!

Tonight I'm supposed to be teaching Cadets, right now I'm swaying whether or not I should go. Though I DO feel better, I'm worried that I may pass this on. This virus is nasty! Poor Linda yesterday wanted to do nothing but lay down on the couch. Trust me, that is nothing like her! Alex and Linda though feeling better are still having after effects of the virus, mainly cough and running nose. Hopefully no one else will get this, though hubby was saying this morning that he was starting to fell yucky!

Forgot to mention this, happened the other night. We had a lunar eclipse (well, everyone did), anyway, because I was sick, I went to bed around 8, but the husband stayed up to watch it. Well, he went outside and of course it's pitch black out there (that's on a normal night, just not eclipse nights) and ended up tripping over the kids picnic table. His entire left side is scrapped up and yesterday morning he was hurting!! What got me thinking though, had he really hurt himself, as in like hitting his head (the picnic table is on the concrete patio), probably no one would have found him till the next morning!! So, luckily it's just scrapes and bruises!

Anyway, kiddies are on the couch (I kept Linda home again, just to be on the safe side) watching a video. I bought my magazines while out, so may go join them and read. House is in decent order and I even got caught up with the laundry!

Ta for now

Hectic

It has been a hectic few days. On Friday, the oldest came down sick with a sore throat and fever - was feeling a bit better by Saturday night. On Sunday night, well really Monday morning, at 4am, Alex decided to wake us up and he was HOT. So from 4AM till 8AM dad and I are trying to get his temp down. The husband took the 3 older to school, and around 8:15, Alex who still hadn't cooled down much (even with doses of medicine and cooling rags), decided to scare me to death. Alex at about 8:15 went into what is called a febrile seizure. Now, this can be quite normal for kids who experience a high temp, I know this, I'm in the medical field. But it's STILL scary. His eyes rolled back into his head and he started seizing. Luckily it only lasted a few seconds and though groggy, he came back pretty quickly. I immediately called the husband though, said, get home, we need to get him to the hospital. At the hospital he was still pretty groggy, eyes red and of course still a high temp. They gave him some more medicine, did some tests and yes, it's a virus! So, back home, lots of fluids, rest and paracetamol. Alex basically stayed on the couch all day Monday (with me right next to him) and didn't move around a lot. I knew how sick he was just because of this, Alex normally as stated before, is a bundle of energy. Well, by Tuesday, the fever was going down quite nicely, he had a small cough and runny nose, but you could tell he was on the road to recovery. By Tuesday night, he was starting to get back a lot of energy though still tired. Well, Tuesday morning the 4yo decides to get this same bug! So, now I'm dealing with her, high temp, cough, the whole nine yards and then, guess who comes down with it? You guessed, me! So, the three of us yesterday basically stayed on the couch, watched tv and didn't move a lot. When dad and the two older got home, they did the dinner thing (Alex, Linda and I had no appetite though), and so dad entertained those 2 while the 3 of us just stayed on the couch and relaxed!

As can be expected, I missed my therapy appointment. But my therapist was of course understanding.

I did get to the doctor today. She's upped my antidepressant which is good. Hopefully that will help some. Also, she has diagnosed me with rheumatoid arthritis. Now, I've been having problems with my joints for AGES! I went to another doctor like over a year ago, he did a blood test, but because it came back negative, he didn't go any further and basically I've just been living with the pain. Well, today I mentioned it to the doctor and she took one look at my hands and said "you have rheumatoid arthitis." When I explained to her that I had the blood test and it came back negative she told me that not ALL sufferers come back with a positive test. But after examining me, she knows that is what it is. Since I've been on the anti-inflammatory with no success, she's started me on something else. Now, I'm supposed to take this new drug for a few months and she's also going to get me an appointment with a specilist. I really like this doctor. Been seeing her since January and she is just great!

Linda also had her pediatric specialist appointment today (was right after my doctors appointment). Basically it was a "OK, we are on the right track, we just have to continue getting more information." On the 3rd, Linda and I are headed to see an ENT specilist about her ears. Hopefully if we can clear up some of her hearing problems, it may cause her behavioral problems to be lessened. Anyway, a full day!

Off to get some lunch now. Alex and Linda are both laying down and not much to do till I pick up Marie from school.

Ta for now

Oh boy....

Today is going to be interesting. Our oldest is going to be home sick, she has a sore throat and is running a slight temp, so I'm going to keep her home from school. Problem is that I still need to get the 5yo to school, the 4yo to speech therapy and I'm supposed to go by the St. John's station so they can copy my license and my pager number! Plus of course I have to pick up the 4yo from speech therapy and pick up the 5yo from school! Now, seriously speaking I probably could leave the 11yo home and she would be fine, but it is illegal and just my luck someone would come by and turn me in!!! Oh well, I'll just pop her in the car and let her sit there with a blanket on or something!

Last night was good. Went to Cadets and taught again. There was one young lady in my group that I was ready to tape her mouth shut! OMG she would just babble about nothing! I'm trying to teach and she's constantly raising her hand to tell me either about a movie (where she saw the first aid being done), or repeating something already said!! LOL it became funny (funnier even now the next day), but I was trying to get through a lot of information (which I didn't finish btw) and she was seriously slowing me down!! Argh, 11 year olds!!

Went to bed early last night, around 9. Woke up at 2, couldn't fall back to sleep right away though. Ended up going back to bed around 2:30 and then basically tossed and turned a lot till 5:30 when I finally said the heck with it, I'm going to get up. I probably am going to end up being pretty tired by the end of the day!! What a day!

Anyway, time to get Marie off to school...

Ta for now

Why?

Yesterday was really tough. The day started out well, but then of course Tuesday's is therapy day. I was so out of it I couldn't do much - when the husband came home he offered to do dinner and I just relaxed the rest of the night.

Therapy was super tough. It started out well, but then the therapist and I started talking about the children's home I was in for about 9 months. It's funny, I DO have a lot of memories of the home and what happened after I left it. A little background first.

When I was about 10 years old, one night my father began to beat up on Jane. Now, I really don't remember much of this, a lot of it was told to me when I was older. Anyway, depending on who you want to believe there are two versions. In the first version, my father was beating up on Jane (that's agreed upon) and when he started to strike her I grabbed his arm and my father accidentally knocked me back, this is my father's version. According to Jane, my father purposely knocked me back. Whatever happened, accident or on purpose, my head ended up striking a small table. Now, I had epilepsy and suffered from some pretty severe seizures. Striking the table put me in a series of seizures and I ended up having to be hospitalized.

Now, after this, and I don't remember this at ALL - my father was given a choice. Either find me another place that would be safer (from what I understand the police and courts believed Jane) or the Courts would take me and I would be placed in a foster home and he would never see me again. So, dad decided to place me in a Children's Home run by Catholic nuns. Though my mom begged and pleaded with him to send me to her. After placing me in the home, my mom fought like crazy to get me out and placed with her. After about 9 months she finally won and I began to live with her. My memories DURING and AFTER the stay in the home are pretty clear. The memories of the home aren't super clear, but I do have quite a few. As you can imagine, the last place I wanted to be was there and I hated the place. I wanted to be with mom. Now, during the 9 months I was there, mom visited every weekend, BUT dad visited only twice.

Now, up until yesterday, I had NO memories of getting to the home, the night I was taken there, the hospital stay prior, or even the fight the precipitated my going into the home. So, yesterday the therapist and I were talking about the home and how it affected me. During our conversation I remembered the night I was taken there.

I remember quite clearly how I was sitting on a bench outside the office of the home. I was clutching something, but I don't remember what, a doll or stuffed animal or something like that. I also remember the glass that separated the hallway from the office and my dad standing in there talking to someone. I remember dad walking out of the office, NOT saying a word to me and started to walk out the doors. I remember screaming at this point and begging daddy not to go, that I would be a good girl and I wanted to go home. I remember a nun holding me back and though I know she probably was saying something, I don't remember what. I just remember screaming and crying for daddy to come back. My father never turned around. He never said goodbye. He never hugged me. He just kept walking out the door. Why daddy?

The 3 youngest and the husband is outside right now so I thought I would take a few minutes to write. Hubby is working on the garden and the kids are playing, hopefully not in the rain puddles! Yes, it's still raining, though yesterday it was 1/2 way decent out! But, it's not raining now (though it looks like it's going to pour any minute), so kids wanted to go outside.

It's Saturday and for the most part the house is clean. Only thing left to do is the kitchen and bath floors! The kids were amazing in the last week and kept their rooms pretty tidy. I ended up taking a nap with the little one's today. Was nice and refreshing!

Last night hubby and I watched the movie Pursuit of Happyiness. It was quite good. I think what made it even better was the fact it was a true story. That guy could have so easily given up and didn't. If you haven't seen the movie, I would recommend it.

Linda was a bit better with the tantrums this week. Not that she didn't have them, but they didn't last that long, which is good!

My birthday is coming up soon and I already asked for a new mobile phone. The one I want has EVERYTHING on it. What's super nice is that it's going down in price, plus I have a $80 coupon off on it! It's supposed to go down on the 1st of September and the hubby has said that he'll go ahead and buy it for me then. I'm going to give my old phone to the 11yo. She has a phone but it doesn't work at all well (she can't make calls on it, only texts, which is a pain!) It's quite a new phone as I just got it a few months ago. My old old phone I accidentally ended up washing (btw, mobile phones don't go through washers well), and I had bought the one I have now as a "stop-gap" till I found one I really wanted. The new phone has video calling (though I have no clue who I would call as none of my friends have this type of phone), camera, organizer and all the bells and whistles. And I'll be able to get The Apprentice game back on the new one!

Anyway, need to check the chicken we are having for dinner.

Ta for now

A good day

I have no clue what to title this, as there really isn't a "theme" to it...I'm bad at thinking of titles anyway, so I'm going to write first and hopefully think of something.

Yesterday was a good day. I didn't sleep well as I was on duty and so wouldn't take the sleeping pill. Ended up getting a call out at 4:30 am, nothing serious, but of course by the time I got back it was 5:30 and just decided to stay up.

The kids woke up on schedule around 6:30 and it was nice to sit at the computer and just browse and have coffee for a good hour before the house stirred. All day yesterday the kids were in great moods and so was I. Even my darling husband commented that I looked like I was having a great day. Nothing major happened (well, the sun was shining does that count?).

Alex helped me fold and put away the laundry. It was so cute. He would pick up the pile of laundry and say this is " " and head to their room with it. We then picked up the house of toys (4 kids, three of which are 5 and under, I think I own a toy store at times). He was a great little helper.

My husband picked up the two older children from school and everyone was still in a great mood! Last night was Cadets for the oldest and I'm teaching first aid, so I went with her. That was a lot of fun.

Afterwards, when Cadets was over at 6:30, as you can imagine I was exhausted. I hadn't much sleep the night before and of course waking at 4:30 for the call out made it even less. So, by 6:30 I was dragging. Husband (bless him) had already started baths when we came in, so I helped get the little one's ready for bed (the three youngest go to bed at 7pm) and then watched Shortland Street with the oldest. Well, I'm sitting on the couch, my eyes barely open and trying to follow the show, when the oldest daughter looks at me and says "Mom, you need to go to bed, don't argue with me, just go! I'll start the laundry (I always do a wash at night, makes it easier for me the next day)". After I stopped laughing (wow she sounded just like me!) - I agreed and headed to bed right after Shortie. I read for a few minutes (not long and I think I may have to reread whatever I read last night, as I don't remember it!), then I was out. I ended sleeping till about 5:30 am. Husband says I had a nightmare at 4:30, the screaming type. I don't even remember it, waking up or even him cuddling with me to calm me down! I must have been tired!

Unluckily the 5yo woke up sounding like a frog and running a slight temp. I told her I was keeping her home from school and she threw a fit!! OMG she WANTED to go to school and not stay home!! LOL, I calmed her down finally and told her we would go out and get her movies to watch while she laid on the couch. Had to take the 4yo to her speech therapy and so while she was there Alex, Marie and I went to the video store and picked up some movies.

It's raining now and very cold. Have the fire lit and the kids are enjoying the videos. Husband is going to be VERY late tonight due to a meeting after work. Going to be fixing lunch soon and then the kids will go down for naps. Alex was up at 6, though played quietly in his room, so I know he'll be tired. Linda woke up at 5:30 and asked to use the toilet and though she went back to bed, not sure if she fell asleep.

Anyway, going to go join the kids and watch a video...all have a great day...

Ta for now

A depressing day

Last night was tough, it seemed every little thing was getting to me and I was pretty emotional. My darling husband is so understanding and trying so very very hard to be there for me. But because his family was your typical loving family it can be very hard for him to understand what I'm going through. Last night though was typical for him with how he tries to make things easier for me. We had parent/teacher interviews scheduled for early evening (6pm) and he knew I was pretty down, so he offered to go instead. My husband is a great father and fantastic husband, I'm really lucky to have him.

Today has been really hard. I got all my shopping done, Alex is being a little doll (he's eating lunch right now), even the sun is shining, but I'm just so down. I feel as if I don't have any energy and I just want to curl up somewhere, go to sleep and pretend the world doesn't exist. I know I have so much to be thankful for, a wonderful husband, 4 great kids, a house that we own (OK, the bank does, but still), and the ability to be able to stay home instead of working. It's just that this storm cloud is over my head and I just can't seem to get rid of it. I keep looking for the rainbows, but all I'm seeing right now is the thunder and lightening.

My therapist is sending me back to the doctor. She is concerned because of the sleep disruptions and also because, though I'm not having "flashbacks", I'm "seeing" (this is really hard to explain), like dis-fragmented images. Sometimes it's just a face, or a place, no memory to go with this picture in my head, just the picture. Anyway, the therapist wants my doctor to up my antidepressant and also put me on a bit stronger sleeping pill. My appointment isn't till 28 August and the therapist wasn't happy about that, she wants me to try to get in sooner. I'll try, but I'm not counting on it. I can tell she's worried - even offered to see me sooner than next week if I needed it.

Anyway, Alex is finished with lunch and I need to put him down for his nap. I may go just try to read until Linda is home. The two older girls are getting out early today, so that's why I'm putting Alex down a bit sooner than normal.

Ta for now.

Thanks Dad

Well, today was therapy day and it's not getting any easier. I won't go into a lot of detail (I'm still pretty emotional right now and don't want to relive it at this moment), but one thing I do want to share.



I told the therapist today that I'm angry...at my dad. I used to put my dad on a pedestal, I say used to because at this time he is really starting to fall off. I would give all sorts of excuses for my dad, he drinks because he has a tough job (it wasn't THAT tough), he didn't mean to forget (insert occasion here), but he just had one too many, he used to beat the hell out of Jane, but he never hit me so he couldn't be that bad could he? BULL. My father was a drunk bully who didn't give a damn about anyone but himself!

When I was coming home from leave for the very first time after being gone for over 4 months, my father, who agreed to pick me up at the airport, sure, he was there (thank god with someone who was sober) and he was DRUNK! This was like at NOON!!! The man couldn't handle just waiting a bit to pick up his daughter after not seeing her for over 4 months, after she had been in a tornado which due to some mix ups the authorities thought I was a victim, this man couldn't wait an hour or two?????

Or how about my 16th birthday? Great day right? Well, it would have been except dear old dad decided a party is a reason to drink, got drunk and then tried to pick a fight with not only my brother (they couldn't stand each other), but also my mom who had arranged the party, made all the food and made damn sure there was a present from dad! God the nerve of this man!

Yes, I'm angry! I'm angry that I do NOT have memories from the time I was 5 years old till I was almost 11 years old!! What the hell was my dad doing to protect me?? Why didn't he notice that his little girl was in trouble? Why was he so wrapped up in himself that whenever Jane would say I was clumsy and got the bruises by falling he would BELIEVE her??

So yeah dad, I'm angry. And I HAVE THE RIGHT to be angry. I just wish you were still here so I could ask you these questions to your face. Though probably you wouldn't answer, because you didn't really care did you. So yea, thanks dad, for the wonderful childhood.

Trucks and more trucks!

Today went to the store to pick up some items that I forgot the other day. They are tearing down a building next to our store to build on and Alex is totally fascinated with the trucks and diggers on the site. It was so funny, there is a HUGE plate glass window and he was just standing there looking out at the trucks. The workers in the store told me I could go shop and they would keep an eye on him because they didn't think he would move!!! LOL I ended up not taking them up on their offer (though it was tempting). Of course on the way out it took forever to leave the store because Alex just HAD to watch the trucks again!

Not much happening here at the moment. I ended up for some reason exhausted last night so went to bed at 7:30 when the kids did. Last night I was so tired I just ended up sleeping through till morning, so no nightmares which was nice.

Of course it's still raining and the forecast is for more rain this weekend. I'm going to build an ark!

Well, off to fold some clothes - I swear my laundry mates in the dryer or something.

Ta for now

The night the world stopped

OK, it's not, but to a 5yo it was. Below is what happened when my father and stepmother found out about the sexual abuse that my stepsister and I had been undergoing with our babysitter.

First, let me give a brief bio of who is who.

My dad, who worked during the day, full time. On Friday nights he and his mates would play poker. Now, the poker games were held at different houses each week. We lived in one town and so when the games were held in the town that the abuser was from, we would go to his apartment. When the games were held in our town, but not specifically at our house, the abuser would go to our house to babysit us. My father DID drink, but his drinking at this point in time was not bad. He would limit it to weekends, and really never became "drunk."

My stepmother, let's call her Jane. She was a stay-at-home mum of my stepsister and I. Jane also drank, but at this time, not that much. Also, at this point in time, though strict, she was never abusive. Her abuse of me came after her daughter was taken.

My stepsister, who we'll call Cindy, was one year older than me. Though older, and bigger, Cindy had some intellectual disabilities, and I was quite aware, even at the age of 5, that it was my job to "look" after her. Cindy and I did share a room.

Me, I was 5 years old and though somewhat shy, was considered intellectually above my age group.

John, the abuser. John was a 60 year old man who lived by himself in an apartment. He would babysit us at his apartment or at our home on poker nights. Where my father met John, I have no idea. John, came across as a very loving and caring individual. He was always "looking" after our welfare (Cindy and I) and would purchase treats and gifts (typical behavior for a sexual abuser). As far as a 5yo can be aware, I believed my parents trusted him and had no cause to believe he was a sexual predator.

A layout of the house (this will be important later) - Cindy and I shared a room which the door opened into a hallway. Directly across from our door, there was the first "landing" of the staircase. The second landing was three steps down and then the staircase curved, so from the door of the bedroom you could NOT see the rest of the stairs that led down to the front hall.

John had been sexually abusing Cindy and I for approximately 6 months. I can't be sure of this time frame, but that seems about right. John never penetrated either Cindy or I with his penis, but did use fingers (to a point, not total insertion) and oral. On the night that this happened, John had been babysitting us whilst Jane and dad were at one of the poker parties.

After Jane and dad came home, Jane came to check on Cindy and I, who had already been placed in bed. Cindy at that time complained that her tummy was hurting and was quietly crying. I was in my bed (across the room) and was just laying very quietly. When Jane asked Cindy what was wrong, again Cindy stated that her tummy was hurting. At this point, my dad came into the room and again, Cindy stated her tummy hurt. My father at this point, began to leave the room (he got the door closed), when Cindy admitted to Jane that she thought John may have been to rough when we were playing our secret game and it was not her tummy, but her "pee pee" that hurt. At this point, I remember vaguely, sitting up in bed and cowering in the corner of the bed, with my knees up to my chest and quietly crying. I also "remember" that I was very, very scared that Cindy was going to tell. When Cindy told Jane about John being to rough, Jane called out to my dad, who was still outside the door, about to go down the stairs. My father returned to the room and at this point it gets a bit hazy, but I remember my dad lifting up Cindy's nightgown. After he did this, I remember him yelling out, "I'll kill the bastard".

Now, John was STILL in the house at this time. I remember my dad yelling out for John to come upstairs or something like that (I'm not totally sure of the exact words). I do remember my father storming out of the room and Jane standing at the doorway. Now, I do not remember how I got out of bed, whether Cindy came over and got me, or whether I went and got her, or if we both just decided to get up. Somehow, we ended up standing in the doorway with Jane (slightly behind her).

By this time, John was on the second landing. I remember my father yelling (not the exact words), and then lunging at John and hitting him. I remember John falling. I did NOT see him fall all the way down the stairs, as mentioned above, it would have been impossible to see this. I do remember his falling though audibly, as he was yelling and because of the thumps.

Now, again, it gets hazy. Somehow Cindy and I ended back in bed, the same bed and basically hugging each other. This is where I sort of remember seeing lights, to my mind now, remind me of police lights. Sometime later (I have no clue how long it was), dad reentered our bedroom and stated we were going to the hospital to have a doctor look at us.

I do not remember the drive to the hospital whatsoever. I don't remember getting into the hospital, nor do I remember anything of the exam. I do slightly remember a doctor and nurse coming in and stating that they were going to examine me and it would not hurt. I also slightly remember another person, I don't know what their role was, coming in to talk with me about what had been happening. I honestly don't remember if I told this person anything.

I do not remember the drive home. My last memory of this night is sitting at the kitchen table and drinking hot chocolate with dad, Jane and Cindy. I remember playing with the marshmallows.

Now, after this incident occurred, John of course was out of our life. I do NOT know what happened to him, I have no clue if any charges of any type were brought. As far as my family was concerned, the incident never happened, or at least we never would talk about it. Please remember, this was in the 60's, and so sexual abuse was NOT talked about in any way.

Now, up until yesterday, as I stated in a previous post, I had thought that Cindy had been taken by her biological father right after this. I now know that is not true, but she did spend about 6 months still with dad, Jane and I. The exact time, I don't know. I do know from what my mom has stated to me, that there was a court hearing and that Cindy's father was granted custody. I also know that Jane ended up in a mental institution shortly after this and I stayed with mom while she was there. The physical abuse from Jane began after this stay. Jane also blamed me entirely for losing Cindy to her father and also told me many times that it was my fault that John abused us, basically that I had "enticed" John.

So, there you have it. The night the world ended for a 5 yo.

Not sleeping

Last night was horrible. I must have woken up at least 3 times, once I woke up and ended up staying up for an hour. I woke up once screaming according to my husband, though I barely remember it. What's really frustrating, I don't remember WHAT is waking me up. I know it's dreams, but I'll be darned if I remember them.

I talked to the husband yesterday about what the therapist and I went through and how it may be effecting my sleep. He agrees 100% that my subconscious is "fighting" (I guess you could call it that), with my conscious.

It's weird though, in talking with my husband about the night my dad found out about the abuse, though I remember a lot, I "know" there are pieces missing. It's like I've got most of the jigsaw done, but there are a few pieces out there that can't be found. My therapist is telling me not to try to force memories, and I'm not trying to do that, but at the same time, it is SO frustrating!

I remember seeing (or at least I THINK I do), flashing lights, like in a police car. My husband said it could have been an ambulance instead, which would have made sense. But, my memories are completely gone from that point till my dad came back into our bedroom (my stepsister and I shared a room) and told us we were going to the hospital. But, I KNOW (not that I remember anything specific) that there was some time between the space of him leaving the room and hitting John (the abuser) and him returning to our room. I just don't remember WHAT I or my sister or my stepmother were doing. To make things clearer and so I don't have to write out all the time about this and that and explain it on what happened that night, I think after I'm finished here, I'll write a post about what I do remember that night. Maybe writing it out will help trigger something...I don't know.

Anyway, on another note, the sun is sort of shining today. Yesterday it did come out and though it was still cold, at least it was sunny. It was raining earlier, but more of a drizzle and now the sun is trying to come out.

Alex and I did some shopping this morning. I went to the fruit and veg store then to the bread store then to the grocery. Of course, when I got home, I remember stuff I forgot! I'm not going out again though, just may give a list to the husband and ask him to go.

Anyway, going to write that one post and then I need to get some stuff done. Alex is sitting here doing his painting (yes, with help from me) and I want to hang up his picture!

Ta for now

A Memory Resurfaces

I had my therapy appointment today. Discussed with the therapist about the nightmares I'm having. As I explained to her, the nightmares are waking me up, BUT I'm not remembering them. She told me that what may be happening is due to the sessions we are having, some of my memories may be resurfacing, but in my sleep. But, because they are so traumatic, that my "conscious" brain isn't allowing for me to remember them. Kind of makes sense to me. We both agreed we'll keep an eye on not only the nightmares, but my sleep patterns. She's worried that because my sleep is being disrupted that I'm not getting enough rest. Though right now, I'm able to go back to sleep for the most part after waking it's still a disruption. What she is worried about of course that I WILL remember these nightmares and of course that could throw me in an even deeper depression. So, we shall see.

Now, during therapy we focused on when my stepsister and I were both sexually abused. That was pretty tough as other than a slight mentioning of it before in therapy, I've really never talked about it. After it happened, my dad and stepmother basically "swept in under the rug." It was never discussed. Even when I got older, as a teen, and tried to bring it up one day, my dad stonewalled me and refused to discuss it. Basically saying that it was in the past, over and done with, and I should just forget it.

Anyway, something interesting did come out. I had always assumed, that my stepsister had been taken away directly after the abuse by her natural father. But, in talking about it today, that's NOT what happened. I remember my stepsister being there while I was in first grade! So, she had to have been there for at least 6 months after the abuse stopped. Now, I don't remember much, but I KNOW she was there. I know, not much of a memory, but it's a start! I also remembered a lot more detail about the night dad and my stepmother found out. My therapist asked me how I felt (as a 5yo child), my response? Terrified, but also dead. Terrified because I was afraid that a) My dad was going to kill the abuser and b) that I would be blamed (which I was later by my stepmother, but that's a different story for another day). The dead part is because though I know this happened, I even remember a lot of what John (the abuser) did, it's like it happened to another person. My therapist believes that's when I started disassociating.

Anyway, it's a small memory, but I'm getting there.

Kids are all in school today. The next week is going to be super busy, so I'll post when I can. I need to get going to another appointment.

Ta for now

What's that yellow thing in the sky?

My husband asked me that question today, YES the sun came out, for about 5 minutes, then it disappeared again! Yes, it's STILL raining! I'm going to call my backyard Lake Westie soon!

Got the rest of the housework done today, though still doing laundry. The laundry never ends though! Also got a few closets that I've been wanting cleaned out done. That made me happy as I've been meaning to get to them for ages. Kids ended up with a few boxes to play with as well. Which, being kids, they totally loved. Thousands of dollars worth of toys and they like to play with boxes, go figure!

Ended up going out after dinner. Went to the grocery store (again, of course I forgot stuff from last night). The kids all grabbed the little baskets and "helped", it was cute. After the grocery went and got ice cream for everyone. Hubby and I ended up trading because I didn't like the flavour I chose, it had coconut in it and I HATE coconut! His was a bosenberry swirl or something like that, was quite good. Then off to the petrol station for LPG and petrol. The kids enjoyed getting out of the house. With all this rain they haven't had many chances to get out, so it was a nice trip for everyone.

Tomorrow is a school day and already have all the stuff done for in the morning. Not anything of interest on tv tonight, so going to read my book and have a quiet night.

Speaking of books, just finished the new Harry Potter - was quite good (no, I won't spoil it for anyone). All I'll say is that the ending was quite interesting.

OK, I'm off to take a shower then read...

Ta for now

Anyone have an Ark?

It has been pouring all day!! My backyard looks like a gigantic mud puddle. I'm hoping this rain stops by tomorrow, but not counting on it. Yesterday it did get quite nice in the afternoon so was able to get all the kids out and playing in the backyard for a bit.

The two younger girls, Marie and Linda share a bedroom. Well, till last night they had bunk beds. Marie convinced the husband that she didn't want bunk beds anymore and instead wanted them separated. This had been done before, so she knew it was possible. Well, I think my kids own a toy store of their own. To facilitate moving the beds, the husband had to move all the toys out of the way. Well, the girls room looked like a cyclone had hit it afterwards, but the beds did come apart!

Today we did a lot of housecleaning. Still not all done, but did at least get the majority done. The girls room took forever because we had to rearrange so much. I did end up going through all their toys and throwing away the broken. Hopefully we'll finish the housecleaning tomorrow.

The oldest (Nicole), had a netball game today. It was cold and rainy out, not the greatest environment to play in, but she had a good time. Plus they won the game which always helps. Had to have a chat with her afterwards about her room. Her room looked like a natural disaster! What is it about pre-teens (and teens) that they can't get the concept about picking up after themselves? I remember being the same way when I was a kid. Now I'm more like my mom and like everything neat and clean.

I ended up taking a nap today after we did the house. The husband let me sleep for like 2 hours and even started dinner while I was sleeping. I do have a great husband.

We just got back from the store. Took everyone and for the most part they behaved. Linda had a few moments but with some diversions she did well.

I don't feel as depressed, but it's still there. Last night was terrible. Woke up at least four times with nightmares. What's funny, I don't remember the dreams themselves, just the "feeling". I'm hoping this stops soon. Going to talk to my therapist about it on Tuesday.

Anyway, time to get the kids ready for baths and bed..

Ta for now

Saying Prayers

My thoughts and prayers are going out to all the victims and their families of the horrible tragedy in Minneapolis.

It's Still Raining

Yes, it's still raining...I am so ready for summer!

This morning started out well, I got up a 1/2 earlier than I normally do and so was able to get some things already done before the kids got up. Unluckily, Linda decided that she didn't want the breakfast she specifically asked for (and was made), but wanted what her sister had. When she was told no, she asked for the cereal she threw one of her tantrums. Finally got her calmed down, but then at the table she started name calling. Her favorite "name" to call lately is bitch. I truly don't know where she is getting that word though. No, I'm not perfect, I do on occasion "slip" and say a swear word (as does the husband), but honestly I don't use that word. So, not sure where she is picking it up, maybe at school? Then she went into the lounge and right in front of her sisters decided to try to tear the wallpaper off the wall. Luckily, they stopped her, but I've got a feeling it's going to be one of those days. Normally she has speech therapy on Friday's, but her therapist is out of town today.

Alex and Linda are right now sitting at the table next to me drawing. I'm keeping a close eye on them because Linda will try to sneak off with the pencil to mark on walls. But, they are making really cute pictures!

Last night was fun, the oldest and I went to her Cadet's meeting where I'm helping teach first aid. All in all it went quite well and it's nice to know that these kids will at least have the basic first aid skills. We then went to the store afterwards and of course I got the "I can't live without this" spiel. Why do kids always want the silliest things?

Afterwards it was home, just in time to give kisses and hugs before bedtime to the three youngest. I went to bed around 9 last night. Unluckily bad night, though the sleeping pills are supposed to help with keeping me asleep and not having nightmares, they aren't working to well. May have to talk to the doctor about getting something stronger. I really don't want to do that though...so, we will see. I don't take them at all when I'm on call with the ambo, but I normally do that only on weekends or during the week when all the kids are in school, so if I don't get much sleep I can either nap or be lazy and conserve.

This weather is driving me insane (more so than usual). And I know the kids hate it. They want to go outside, but it's just to darn wet and cold. I really wish summer would get here (or at least a sunny day).

Ta for now

Well it could be....

Just got back from meeting with the lady about Linda. There is no official diagnosis yet (and probably won't be for a while). Some nice things did come out of the meeting though. Because Linda is considered a special needs child we'll be able to get some more support with her. Basically this specialist is saying that because of Linda's behaviors and because we don't have family support (all our relatives are not here in NZ) - as parents we need "time out". Now, as it is, Linda goes to kindy 4 mornings a week, which is great, believe me! But, this lady (for the life of me I can't remember her name, let's call her Carol), is saying that though that is great, we need time out from parenting maybe once a month or so, just for the husband and I to have some quality time together. And what's nice, that this will be paid for :) So, she's going to get the ball rolling on that.

Carol is highly suspecting that Linda may have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Now, before everyone gets in an uproar and says "Why did you drink while pregnant" - all four of our children are adopted. The biological mother is insisting that she did not drink during the pregnancy, but as Carol said (and yes, Carol has spoken with her), what she says can be taken with a grain of salt. Hell, she flat out lied about Linda's achievements as a baby! She was saying that Linda was crawling at 8 months. How in the world she was supposed to know this when Linda was uplifted at 6 months is beyond me! Anyway, Carol said that with Linda's behaviors and even her facial features, FAS is a strong possibility. I've read up on FAS and unluckily I have to agree. But, no matter WHAT it is, we won't give up. Linda will get the help she needs, as will we. Just do me a favor and say some prayers. Also, if anyone reads this and has a special needs child, I would love to hear from you.

Gah, I'm super depressed for some reason. Alex finished lunch and is now having his nap. Linda is due home from kindy soon. She eats lunch there so don't have to worry about her, but have to fix the husband's lunch. What I mainly want to do is crawl in bed and not leave. No can do though. Days like this are tough. Not sure what is causing it, could be the nightmares. Also, I need to stop trying to force myself to remember things. I think I AM trying to hard and it's making me go deeper in depression. Might bring that up next week to the therapist.

Gah, I hope this weather gets better!

Ugh

I really don't need nights like I had last night. I ate something that didn't agree with me and my stomach let me know it in no uncertain terms. By the time the husband got home I was green around the gills. I had already started dinner, but he took one look at me and sent me to bed. I fell asleep but was being woken up constantly by the 4yo (I'll call her Linda). Ended up waking up at 7, watched Shortland Street, read my book a bit then went straight to sleep again. Unluckily during my "nap" time, I kept having, well not nightmares, but close enough. I ended up taking my sleeping pill around 7:30 and so was knocked out by 8:30. The sleeping pills are supposed to suppress the nightmares, and for the most part they work, but not last night. I ended up getting up a couple of times due to them. I know the nightmares are in overdrive because of what is happening in therapy, but I don't have to like them!

The kids got off to school OK this morning, no major issues except for Linda's tantrums, which are more normal than not. I have an appointment at the hospital at 11 to speak to some specialists. Linda is almost totally deaf in her right ear and slight in her left. After almost 2 years of screaming and yelling I had a doctor finally listen and they tested her. I had one doctor (prior) tell me that she was to "young" to test, that damn idiot, he got fired thank goodness! Anyway, Linda has more problems than just the hearing. Her hearing luckily doesn't involve the organ itself, but she'll need tubes and that should clear that up. We have an appointment on 3 September for her to seen an ENT specialist and hopefully surgery won't be to far off.

Anyway, Linda though also has severe behavioral issues. She has no impulse control, tends to strike out and throw tantrums at the least little thing and doesn't have any sense of danger. Because of this and other issues, we are having her tested for different things like autism, ADHD and a few others that I cannot even think of the names of! Also though, because of her behavioral issues, she has to be constantly watched 24/7. Though she is 4, she behaves more in the lines of a 2 yo. It can be VERY tough as we can't even leave her say in her room playing a game, as she'll end up doing things she shouldn't. Crayons are a BIG no, as she'll mark on anything in sight. It can be very frustrating! Hopefully some of these issues are do to her hearing and once that is straightened out her behavior may get better. At kindy she has a "minder" because if not, she would totally be into everything. That reminds me, I may write later about why we took her out of her last kindy.

The appointment this morning is to go over all these questions they have, behavior, sleep patterns, eating. Linda is already seeing a speech therapist (her speech is very delayed, which is probably due to the hearing). Hopefully soon we'll have some answers.

I really need to get some things done, but for whatever reason I'm in a blah mood today. I'm thinking it might have to do with the weather, it's raining and cold. I hate weather like this, makes me blah.

Anyway, ta for now....I may post after the appointment, if not, will do tomorrow.

A typical morning...

This morning was insane. I woke up late and for some reason my darling husband decided not to try to wake me earlier! Nice of him, but because I went to bed quite early last night (like in right after the kids), I didn't get the stuff I normally do done the night before. So, I'm racing around trying to get kids dressed, lunches made in a space of a 1/2 hour. We made it to school in time, but I felt frazzled. I hate being late for anything!

After we dropped off the three, my youngest, I'll call him Alex for this (I've always loved that name, why we didn't name him Alexander is another story!), went to the fruit and veg store. Alex was wonderful, took the fruit I picked and took it to the counter. The lady who works at the store knows us (we go in weekly) and she always smiles at Alex. Then off to the bookstore to get the next "story" of Dora The Explorer. Our second oldest child, the 5 yo (call her Marie), is really into Doro. They have a package here that includes a CD for the PC and a book. She's collected them all so far, this was number 8 that we picked up today. They are nice because they teach, even Spanish! Anyway, while at the bookstore, Alex finds a tractor in and brings it up. Now, my biggest fault with Alex is that I cannot tell this boy no. I know I should, I have no problems telling the girls no, but with him, I just have the biggest problems. So, he's holding this tractor, looking at me with his big blue eyes and goes "Mummy plllleeeese?" Well, he is now the proud owner of a tractor. What IS nice though, the price was marked wrong, I paid only $6.00 for the tractor, and the lady and I agreed it should have been $16.00. But, because the sticker on the box said $6, she gave it to me for $6. Part of it is I'm sure that we go in there practically every week and buy something.

After the stores, Alex had a dental appointment. His very first one! I was a tad worried (as was the dental lady) about how he would react. But, he was a pro. Sat on my lap, opened his mouth and caused no problems whatsoever. For a 2 1/2 year old, I was pretty impressed. The dentist said he was a "happy" baby, which I agree :) Did find out something interesting that I didn't know. There is no fluoride in the water here, so, we need to get toothpaste with more fluoride in it. Plus, when he's a tad older, they'll put fluoride on his teeth. I'm used to have the fluoride in water. Now, Alex DID throw a tantrum on the way out - he didn't want to leave!! The dentist said that was a first that a kid wasn't ready to bolt out the door after his appointment.
We're back home now and I need to get some laundry started and other things done that I haven't had a chance to.

Ta for now

Therapy Day

I just got back from seeing my therapist. I told her about doing this and she said it probably is a good idea. Basically Journal writing, but one that others can read. Why I want others to read it is beyond me, but since it's totally anonymous, I think I like that idea.

I'm seeing a therapist for severe depression. Last January I became so depressed that I was even thinking suicide. Luckily, mainly because I've been in therapy before, I had enough sense to get myself to a doctor in March and she prescribed antidepressants and got me to see a therapist. I've been seeing my therapist since about April. I don't trust very easily and until recently we didn't get into any "hard" parts. Now, I'm starting to open up and it's going to be getting a bit more difficult.

I have "blank" spots in my memory (which is one of the reasons I got so depressed). I have very little memories of the ages between 5-10. The reason for this (wow, I can be so clinical) - is because I suffered sexual abuse from a babysitter (he was a man in his 60's, I hope he is burning in hell right now!) and severe physical and psychological abuse from my stepmother. Due to this - I guess what I did was block out. I really and truly do NOT remember hardly anything from those years. I have a few memories (some good, some bad), but that's it.
We did a time-line today and it was so weird. I have very clear memories of when I was 3ish to 5ish, I even remember in detail the house we lived in. It's after 5 though the memories get really hazy (it's also when the sexual and physical abuse started). It was interesting to note that also, I have some pretty clear memories of when I visited "mom" - (the woman I call mom is not my mother or my stepmother, she was my dad's 2nd wife, but I spent a number of weekends with her). The therapist believes it was because I felt safe with her (which is quite true). One of the things I brought up was how I can remember riding the bus to where she lived (she lived like 4 hrs from my home) and I can remember the town, her apartment and some really fun and fond memories. But I have NO memory of ever riding the bus back home!!

I do want to remember these "blank" years, but at the same time I worry. I remember some of the abuse, but not a great deal. I have to ask myself do I really want to remember? The problem is, I also know deep down that a lot of the problems I'm having today are because of this. Heck, I'm not sure what to think.

I also do want to mention, because I want to keep my identity secret, I am going to change names. I'm not going to give out real names of my husband, children, etc. I think anyone could understand that.

Ok, the dog wants out and I need to fold some clothes. On Monday and Tuesday's all the kids go to school (the two oldest in regular school, the two younger in kindy). I want to get a few things done before I have to pick up the two younger one's from kindy. I may give a better bio of myself later.
Ta for now

The first

I have no idea what I'm doing here really. I've been reading a lot of interesting blogs and for some reason decided to start my own. I think the thing I like the most is that I can write personal messages, I can get feedback (that is of course if anyone reads this) and maybe I can deal with life's little stresses. I have no idea how often I'll post, as a mother of 4 children (3 who are 5 and under), my time is pretty limited. I'm mainly doing this for myself to be honest. I just want a place to give out steam I guess :-) Something like an online diary, one that can be read by lots though! :-) Ta for now..