A Memory Resurfaces

I had my therapy appointment today. Discussed with the therapist about the nightmares I'm having. As I explained to her, the nightmares are waking me up, BUT I'm not remembering them. She told me that what may be happening is due to the sessions we are having, some of my memories may be resurfacing, but in my sleep. But, because they are so traumatic, that my "conscious" brain isn't allowing for me to remember them. Kind of makes sense to me. We both agreed we'll keep an eye on not only the nightmares, but my sleep patterns. She's worried that because my sleep is being disrupted that I'm not getting enough rest. Though right now, I'm able to go back to sleep for the most part after waking it's still a disruption. What she is worried about of course that I WILL remember these nightmares and of course that could throw me in an even deeper depression. So, we shall see.

Now, during therapy we focused on when my stepsister and I were both sexually abused. That was pretty tough as other than a slight mentioning of it before in therapy, I've really never talked about it. After it happened, my dad and stepmother basically "swept in under the rug." It was never discussed. Even when I got older, as a teen, and tried to bring it up one day, my dad stonewalled me and refused to discuss it. Basically saying that it was in the past, over and done with, and I should just forget it.

Anyway, something interesting did come out. I had always assumed, that my stepsister had been taken away directly after the abuse by her natural father. But, in talking about it today, that's NOT what happened. I remember my stepsister being there while I was in first grade! So, she had to have been there for at least 6 months after the abuse stopped. Now, I don't remember much, but I KNOW she was there. I know, not much of a memory, but it's a start! I also remembered a lot more detail about the night dad and my stepmother found out. My therapist asked me how I felt (as a 5yo child), my response? Terrified, but also dead. Terrified because I was afraid that a) My dad was going to kill the abuser and b) that I would be blamed (which I was later by my stepmother, but that's a different story for another day). The dead part is because though I know this happened, I even remember a lot of what John (the abuser) did, it's like it happened to another person. My therapist believes that's when I started disassociating.

Anyway, it's a small memory, but I'm getting there.

Kids are all in school today. The next week is going to be super busy, so I'll post when I can. I need to get going to another appointment.

Ta for now