Not sleeping

Last night was horrible. I must have woken up at least 3 times, once I woke up and ended up staying up for an hour. I woke up once screaming according to my husband, though I barely remember it. What's really frustrating, I don't remember WHAT is waking me up. I know it's dreams, but I'll be darned if I remember them.

I talked to the husband yesterday about what the therapist and I went through and how it may be effecting my sleep. He agrees 100% that my subconscious is "fighting" (I guess you could call it that), with my conscious.

It's weird though, in talking with my husband about the night my dad found out about the abuse, though I remember a lot, I "know" there are pieces missing. It's like I've got most of the jigsaw done, but there are a few pieces out there that can't be found. My therapist is telling me not to try to force memories, and I'm not trying to do that, but at the same time, it is SO frustrating!

I remember seeing (or at least I THINK I do), flashing lights, like in a police car. My husband said it could have been an ambulance instead, which would have made sense. But, my memories are completely gone from that point till my dad came back into our bedroom (my stepsister and I shared a room) and told us we were going to the hospital. But, I KNOW (not that I remember anything specific) that there was some time between the space of him leaving the room and hitting John (the abuser) and him returning to our room. I just don't remember WHAT I or my sister or my stepmother were doing. To make things clearer and so I don't have to write out all the time about this and that and explain it on what happened that night, I think after I'm finished here, I'll write a post about what I do remember that night. Maybe writing it out will help trigger something...I don't know.

Anyway, on another note, the sun is sort of shining today. Yesterday it did come out and though it was still cold, at least it was sunny. It was raining earlier, but more of a drizzle and now the sun is trying to come out.

Alex and I did some shopping this morning. I went to the fruit and veg store then to the bread store then to the grocery. Of course, when I got home, I remember stuff I forgot! I'm not going out again though, just may give a list to the husband and ask him to go.

Anyway, going to write that one post and then I need to get some stuff done. Alex is sitting here doing his painting (yes, with help from me) and I want to hang up his picture!

Ta for now