Why?

Yesterday was really tough. The day started out well, but then of course Tuesday's is therapy day. I was so out of it I couldn't do much - when the husband came home he offered to do dinner and I just relaxed the rest of the night.

Therapy was super tough. It started out well, but then the therapist and I started talking about the children's home I was in for about 9 months. It's funny, I DO have a lot of memories of the home and what happened after I left it. A little background first.

When I was about 10 years old, one night my father began to beat up on Jane. Now, I really don't remember much of this, a lot of it was told to me when I was older. Anyway, depending on who you want to believe there are two versions. In the first version, my father was beating up on Jane (that's agreed upon) and when he started to strike her I grabbed his arm and my father accidentally knocked me back, this is my father's version. According to Jane, my father purposely knocked me back. Whatever happened, accident or on purpose, my head ended up striking a small table. Now, I had epilepsy and suffered from some pretty severe seizures. Striking the table put me in a series of seizures and I ended up having to be hospitalized.

Now, after this, and I don't remember this at ALL - my father was given a choice. Either find me another place that would be safer (from what I understand the police and courts believed Jane) or the Courts would take me and I would be placed in a foster home and he would never see me again. So, dad decided to place me in a Children's Home run by Catholic nuns. Though my mom begged and pleaded with him to send me to her. After placing me in the home, my mom fought like crazy to get me out and placed with her. After about 9 months she finally won and I began to live with her. My memories DURING and AFTER the stay in the home are pretty clear. The memories of the home aren't super clear, but I do have quite a few. As you can imagine, the last place I wanted to be was there and I hated the place. I wanted to be with mom. Now, during the 9 months I was there, mom visited every weekend, BUT dad visited only twice.

Now, up until yesterday, I had NO memories of getting to the home, the night I was taken there, the hospital stay prior, or even the fight the precipitated my going into the home. So, yesterday the therapist and I were talking about the home and how it affected me. During our conversation I remembered the night I was taken there.

I remember quite clearly how I was sitting on a bench outside the office of the home. I was clutching something, but I don't remember what, a doll or stuffed animal or something like that. I also remember the glass that separated the hallway from the office and my dad standing in there talking to someone. I remember dad walking out of the office, NOT saying a word to me and started to walk out the doors. I remember screaming at this point and begging daddy not to go, that I would be a good girl and I wanted to go home. I remember a nun holding me back and though I know she probably was saying something, I don't remember what. I just remember screaming and crying for daddy to come back. My father never turned around. He never said goodbye. He never hugged me. He just kept walking out the door. Why daddy?