Thanks Dad

Well, today was therapy day and it's not getting any easier. I won't go into a lot of detail (I'm still pretty emotional right now and don't want to relive it at this moment), but one thing I do want to share.



I told the therapist today that I'm angry...at my dad. I used to put my dad on a pedestal, I say used to because at this time he is really starting to fall off. I would give all sorts of excuses for my dad, he drinks because he has a tough job (it wasn't THAT tough), he didn't mean to forget (insert occasion here), but he just had one too many, he used to beat the hell out of Jane, but he never hit me so he couldn't be that bad could he? BULL. My father was a drunk bully who didn't give a damn about anyone but himself!

When I was coming home from leave for the very first time after being gone for over 4 months, my father, who agreed to pick me up at the airport, sure, he was there (thank god with someone who was sober) and he was DRUNK! This was like at NOON!!! The man couldn't handle just waiting a bit to pick up his daughter after not seeing her for over 4 months, after she had been in a tornado which due to some mix ups the authorities thought I was a victim, this man couldn't wait an hour or two?????

Or how about my 16th birthday? Great day right? Well, it would have been except dear old dad decided a party is a reason to drink, got drunk and then tried to pick a fight with not only my brother (they couldn't stand each other), but also my mom who had arranged the party, made all the food and made damn sure there was a present from dad! God the nerve of this man!

Yes, I'm angry! I'm angry that I do NOT have memories from the time I was 5 years old till I was almost 11 years old!! What the hell was my dad doing to protect me?? Why didn't he notice that his little girl was in trouble? Why was he so wrapped up in himself that whenever Jane would say I was clumsy and got the bruises by falling he would BELIEVE her??

So yeah dad, I'm angry. And I HAVE THE RIGHT to be angry. I just wish you were still here so I could ask you these questions to your face. Though probably you wouldn't answer, because you didn't really care did you. So yea, thanks dad, for the wonderful childhood.